When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
