Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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