Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize