The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
