I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
