My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize