My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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