I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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