I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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