Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
