i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mom said you looked used
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
