when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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