is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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