Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
