apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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