I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
