update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
