You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
