Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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