textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sext me about skeletons
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
