i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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