I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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