can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
