I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
