I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
