Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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