it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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