I puked a lego.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
