I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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