My sheets look like a crime scene.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
