Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
