I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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