dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize