Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
