I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
