It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize