i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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