she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize