I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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