U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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