My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
