i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
