It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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