Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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