Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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