I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
