I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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