There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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