Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
