he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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