I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
