alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
