Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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