i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
