Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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