whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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