I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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