Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize