He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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