I smell stomach acid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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