just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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