I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
