chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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