Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
