I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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