I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My ass is underappreciated
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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