I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
