this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
