lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
