I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize