i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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