Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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