um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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