hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize